Hey, it's my birthday.

We thought midlife hadn't been hard enough up until now so we decide to date while we trudged through the Celibate Desert. We're so thirsty.

Stopping quickly in The Ivy’s valet area, movie star Bran Barclay stepped from his plaid Tesla. His neon smile lit up the grey L.A. horizon.

My horse fell on me, violently thrashing, like a turtle stuck on his back. I looked at the silent police officer lying next to me...

“I want you to ride bareback behind me on my horse to Sagebrush,” the handsome Scot said, brushing the hair away from my face... ​Bareback?

I buzzed my son in and he drove though the gate with someone I wasn't expecting; his father! My ex-husband was not invited, yet here he was.

"You don't have to feign interest in film for me," he said, letting me off the hook. "Oh, thank goodness," I groaned.

He was from California, I was from Texas and we met in the bush of Australia as kids. And then we met again when our lives were almost over.

There's only so much temptation a couple of divorced, celibate grownups can take.

I said sourly, “I used rubber bands to make my costume & you used Paramount Pictures." "You're still the fairest lass," my movie star said.

Flying lessons and surprise tattoos: I'm not one for exclamation points but this story is just full of them.

I was already angry at him. I hauled myself up in the saddle and dug my heels hard into Mojave's sides.

“Is that your Lexus outside?” I asked her. “Uh, yeah,” she blustered. I held up my keys. "I'm going to carve the word 'whore' into it."

“How can I ever win?” he asked. “By taking me roughly in the barn?” I said as I circled him on my horse, luring him with my purple prose.